A wrap up of sorts… Getting complete~

I hate when things don’t feel complete.  My conversations. My classes.  My tasks.  My time.  My relationships.  My phone calls.  My apologies.  My heart.  My integrity.  My blog. My follow thru is my word.  And my word and my actions to support that are my testimony.  All of ours really~

I still send this blog to so many people- some friends… some strangers- all who have been touched by a person in their life who has lost a child or who themselves have.  I still hurt for them every single time someone reaches out.  I think of that poor mama with her empty arms and my eyes well up and my throat tightens and it brings me back to May 15th 2012.  It brings me back to the depths of my grief and how I just could not see anyway out— I thought I would be stuck in this perpetual hole of feeling incomplete forever.  Empty arms.  Broken heart.  Tear stained face.  I feel for these mamas (and daddy’s) and want to hug them and tell them how much better it will get!  How it will not be like this forever.  This immediate pain is temporary.  Everything is.  I feel so thankful for Waylon in my life.  Even on the days when its a lot to juggle with work and life and doing my best to be the most fun and loving mom and wife.

The thing that Grace taught me– and is still teaching me everyday and in every interaction and every encounter is to have grace.  Have grace for myself and for everyone else.  The word meaning: unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration.  Having a heart filled with forgiveness and love and realness is the only thing I can see that really matters, really works, and really heals.  We live in this society that moves SO fast (my train is on GOOOOO- fully loaded 24/7 365 days!) and so I feel like I am constantly juggling and dropping balls and saying and doing things sometimes I don’t mean or aren’t in line with my integrity out of sheer survial.  I think the thing I am learning is that this IS grace.  The humanness is where we come together and create and forgive ourselves and others and hold that space of love and move from. Operating from abundance and growth and not guilt and resentment.  Huge one for me.

Loving that little life for such a short time on earth gave me a mothers heart and it gave me perspective on the good in people.  So many people held our hands and prayed Waylon into our arms.  Fed us, called us, loved us, and showed us more grace and mercy then I had ever seen.  That little tiny baby girl human brought us together in a divine assistance for our regeneration.   And I am thankful for that lesson.  I want to hold hands and pray people’s lives better and feed them and hug them and wipe tears.

I guess I just wanted to get complete since I no longer write on this blog but its still circling the universe and hopefully serving a purpose when needed.  So here it is:  to all who are suffering… it won’t last forever.  Let the people that lift you up be there for you when you need.  Don’t hide from the realness.  From the messy.  From the snotty nose and tears rolling down your face.  Its ok.  You are living and learning and we are all watching and we are learning from you.  It will be great again!  It will.  Take one step at a time.  And be patient with yourself.  You are doing a really good job at navigating this.  Its scary and hard.  And God loves you and won’t let you sink to far… He never does.  One day you will feel complete again.  It may be a different complete.  But complete and full none the less.  Without Grace— I would not have Waylon.  I cannot fathom my life without that boy.  Looks so different and I love this different.  I am thankful for my pain.  It has taught me how to love and to see others in need.  Stay strong love.  Your complete is on the way~  xo, Sarah

 

 

 

Everyone is our Neighbor~

Well hello out there!  Its been 167 years since I have last blogged.  I truly think about it often and am surprised at how many people still say… ‘oh I just found your blog!’.  I feel like A.) I have to warn them of the crazy and tragically messy  lady they are about to meet in my words from back in 2012 and then B.) invite them out for coffee to fill them in on just how different and beautiful and amazing my funny little life is now.  Thank you God!  I have thought about this post for about a week and when my mind went off at around 5am today I thought what the heck…
As all of you know we have had tragedy in Charleston and I have gone back and forth on writing about it.  It has touched me in such a way that I almost feel it would be irresponsible not to.  And at the same time I always ask myself ‘well who am I?’… my words or thoughts or prayers won’t even touch the enormity of this situation we have here.  Is it selfish for me to interject my small little voice in this?  But thats silly.  Be the change (~Ghandi)… isn’t that our message.  Isn’t that the THE message.  The message of love and forgiveness these families have offered the young man who took out his pain and hate and rage on the heartbeats and souls of the beautiful people they loved, they lived with, they prayed with, they created family and community with.  Now what would be wrong and selfish would be for me to sit here and cry with them and not help them spread that word of love.  Of forgiveness.  On Sunday… as always our message at church delivered.  I sat there… like I do… tears and snot running down my face.  White knuckling Johns knee and feeling so overwhelmed with the need to follow thru on this.  One of the associate pastors, John Hage, spoke on how we can climb in the boat with love, kindness, generosity, trust, and FORGIVENESS or we can choose hate, fear, anger, and rage.  How choosing love is not always convenient or the popular choice… but we do it anyway and every time.  I wanted to throw my hands up and be like “A!!!  I choose A!”… me me me me over here!!  The girl who showed up late with the wet hair… A!!!!”.  Its so easy to say and … you know what I would usually put right here… so much harder to do.  But when John Hage, our minister, said it and then showed the most true example in these families telling Dylan Roof they forgave him… it was that simple.  I was making it hard with all my contingencies.  “Well.. if they hadn’t done this or had shown up here, or had said this, or didn’t say that… well then I could forgive and love them (AND MYSELF!) so much easier”.  How I hold on to petty things really is a tremendous testament to my stubbornness not my strength wouldn’t ya say?.. goodness bless… haha!  Now … who do I think I am???!!!   So I guess the thing is I could really go on and on… as well all know.  But I’ll keep this short and sweet.  The thing that I took away the most was to choose.  Either I am in the boat with love and forgiveness making this my message and my testimony.  Or I am sinking and drowning in the deep ocean with the sharks in fear, regret, and anger.  I choose love.  I will choose it every time.  It is what made me brave enough to go 3 rounds to get my little slice of heaven, Waylon.  It is what keeps me present in a career where high energy is a must and being open and vulnerable is the number one requirement (not standing on your hands believe it or not!).  It is what keeps marriages together.  What keeps families year in and year out coming together for vacations and holidays.  Love will break you.  It will repair you.  It is strong and it is gentle.  Love is all that is real.  A friend of mine yesterday said she is so proud of how Charleston is handling all of this… with grace and dignity.  And the truth is we are all just soldiers marching behind the 9 families who have lost.  They have set this beautiful tone for our holy city- despite how some of the media has tried so hard to make it something else sadly.  They, the families, have asked us to not make this a race war- Gregg Surrat- a local pastor said “What was meant to start a race war.  Just maybe sparked a revival”… Yes!  They have asked us to forgive.  They have asked us to love.  Hate breeds hate.  So I choose not to give anymore energy to that.  Love breeds love. So I choose this.  Its just so real.  And so we march on… hand in hand in unity with our beautiful city and with love and forgiveness in our hearts~

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

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Chalk art on the Ravenel Bridge after the Unity Chain Sunday June 21, 2015.

 

 

Love~

Well hello out there!  Hope everyone had beautiful Holiday seasons and a great start to the New Year!  One of my (two) New Years intentions was to blog twice a month.  Well here we are February 10th and I haven’t written a word.  Not even a single saved draft… and moving right along… ha!  The other intention was not to beat myself up or make myself wrong when doing said no writing and the other various fails (or shall I call them opportunities of growth!) during my day.  So that’s in process too. Who doesn’t love a process.  Well me for starters!  I like the way I do things because I do them right.  Duh (insert me laughing like a hyena and John joining in too).  But I am up early today and Crazy man Waylon is still asleep so I write or word vomit… whichever comes out first.
I like to write a blog when I feel moved or inspired or the need to just blab my big ole’ mouth so on Sunday in church I knew as soon as, Gary, our minister took the pulpit I would be trying to re write his sermon in my own words.  It. Was. That. Good.  And yes I will butcher it and make it extremely ‘Sarah-esque’ so bare with me.
The sermon in a nut shell, for me, was based on the word of St. Francis of assisi- “‘Preach the Gospel at all times, and when necessary, use words.”  Gary went on to speak of how Jesus was not a preacher.  He was a doer.  A doer of love.  A doer of goodness.  Of kindness.  He didn’t get dressed up on Sunday to sit in a fancy church only to walk out and give his neighbor the bird (see there’s me throwing around the bird term but you get what I’m saying).  I learned that for the first time in our world the most amount of people EVER are saying they are without faith -1 in 5- nuts.  He called them the ‘Nones’.  As in ‘whats your faith?’… ‘None’.  The reason these Nones say they have no faith is because of the people who are showing up in the Church.  They say we are judgmental, and fake, and do not practice the message of love which our teacher, Jesus, so beautifully lived.  We are not living our faith by feeding the sick and hungry and helping the poor.  We are IN the church.  But we are not BEING the church.  Oh man.  I needed that one.  John and I looked at each other with that… “oh yeah… that was a good one” look… and then John leaned over with his little JohnJohn smile and said “you really needed to hear that”.   Ha!  I laughed and he laughed.  And.  He was right.  I did.  Its just to easy for me to get caught up in looking good and not playing the part.  There I said it.  Its out!  Ekkkkkk.  Don’t judge.  I am a work in progress.  Hands up in the air ‘Lawwwd help me!’.
I say this so so often in my yoga classes… how its easy to be a good yogi on your yoga mat when the music is playing and all the best postures are being called and you nail your handstand and your sweaty and glisteny and its your fav teacher (me!) giving you props in class… but who are WE when we roll up those 68″ yoga mats and get in our car and get on hwy 17 and someone cuts us off.  Or our husband doesn’t fold the laundry and do the dishes on a Saturday (who doesn’t love housework on a Saturday?!!- its beyond me!).  Or our child screams and screams and we have not slept in a year.  Or a parent or friend is sick and dying.  Or that one person who always steps on your yoga mat, leaves early, and texts during class does so once again.  Or … you get what I am saying.  Like really.  Who are we?  Are we church on Sunday?  Or are we practice what we’re preaching?  Are we making ourselves and literally everyone else in the room and world (even the screaming babies!) wrong?  I am asking.  Not judging.  I love an inquiry… it leaves me with the ability to consider whats up and whats NOT up.  It allows me to look at where I could possibly show up more and where I could possibly take my nose and stick it less in someones business.  ha!  Because I like my nose in errrrryyyones business.  I guess all in all I share this because for so many of us living this intentional path of faith and yoga we get lost.  We get lost behind the fancy clothes – be them skirts for church or brightly colored stretchy pants for class.  We get lost behind being ‘seen’ and the ‘results’… “I went to church every sunday in January who can I tell?!! See ME over here I am a good Christian!’… ‘I lost 29 lbs in one hour of water weight at yoga- look at ME go’… ha!  Not really but you guys get it. (side note if you could lose 29lbs in one hour of yoga I would be VERY rich… very very rich!) But for real what is it?  For me so much of the time my actions are not the intentions of love I really DO want them to be.  They are habitual patterns that may or may NOT still be working.  Sitting in church making my grocery list or wrapping up a wonderful yoga class thinking of leaving early to beat everyone to whole foods.  Am I right?  yes I am.  I know it and so do you!  So… I guess I will leave us with this as I hear my little bubble of wild man joy upstairs stirring.  Lets just consider love.  Really even when it’s not our usual way.  Old habits die very hard over here where I am sitting.  And!!  Im making a huge effort in this so if you know me.  See me.  Or can find me somehow at a yoga studio, church, park, or whole foods.  Hold me accountable.  I need y’all!  As our great teacher Jesus said, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you”.  I love all of you very much!  Even you hard ones to love.. haha!  There she is always showing up… kidding kidding!  Its a process. ~ xo

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For you River dog~

So… I think about blogging often! All the funny, quippy, and life changing things I am going to write and say and I plan and I write them in my head and then… someone needs a diaper change, or a hug, or a to be held, or pulled away from stairs and anything glass or that will blow him up (and I am not just talking about Waylon here…ha!), work needs me, my family needs me, my yoga mat needs me, y running shoes need me, my dogs need me and then my bed desperately needs me (at roughly 7:30pm every night it texts me to get on in!) and my blogs fade away like clouds in the sky- poof – gone- try again later friend. The thing is I wanted to write a funny blog about wrangling orangutans on airplanes aka flying with children, about our first Halloween (we were a duck) and our first Thanksgiving in Boston (where we ate stuffed lobster and went to the Boston aquarium and saw our first snowfall) and our first birthday which truly was a blast (I obsessively planned and I EVEN crafted!… whoa.) But none of those are going on here. YET! Today is about a family friend that we had to say goodbye to yesterday. Our very own sweet River dog. River was such a special force in my life and I wanted to honor him but sitting down (literally) in the middle of another one of those busy days and telling his story. The one we had together. Because our whole friendship was about him obeying (most of the time) and honoring me and loving me. He took care of me and was always present to my needs before anything else. This is a lesson I need and am learning(slowly). River and I met some 6 or so years ago when John came into my life. A black lab I thought! How perfect! I too have a silly black pup. Right away I could tell River was special. He had amber eyes that stood out against his black silky fur and he had this look in his eyes that said ‘just love me’. Thats all he wanted. Love. He needed a mama and I was happy to jump in and take that role on with my two black pups at my heels. We took many a beach walk and many a salty swim. We laid in the sun together he always beat me in the tan contest – it’s that black fur I tell you! We enjoyed late night snacking and cuddling. River liked to walk with me from room to room. Literally from the kitchen to the bathroom he was your guy! Like it or not there he was. We even joked by calling him the ‘stalker’… if he wasn’t so sweet you would think he was trying to kill you. When I lost my mom River was so worried and would just sit with me while I cried. Taking him and Baylor to the beach and watching them dance in the Fall waves was my therapy and they both happily obliged. When we lost Grace River was honestly consumed with my grief. Both dogs were to be fair. But it took a special toll on him that summer. I ended taking him to the vet because he lost so much weight they were worried it was his liver or his kidneys. It was not his liver. It was not his kidneys. He was legit depressed. He had been crying with me for 3 months and needed a pick me up. We moved out to Sullivans and again back at the beach for therapy. The weight came back and the wag in the tail soon to follow. Yesterday when we knew it was time I once again laid down in his bed with him. I held his face and stroked his soft ears. I thanked him for being so brave and for taking care of us all. My friend, Scotty, said something that really hit home. River was put into my life to see me happy. To see me smile… to see John and I complete. He got us thru and to the other side. To our sweet son. His purpose was complete and he was now free to go. I believe it. His soul was put on this earth to meet my soul and I am forever thankful for the love and lessons that silly black pup has taught me. You will be so very missed River dog. You are in our hearts and, honestly, in our carpets and couches for life! Enjoy it up their big boy- You deserve it!

River Frick 12-1-2003 – 12-9-2014

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The plan~

Man oh Man where does the time go??! I haven’t blogged on here since July! I have, however, written several blogs in my head- but alas- those are gone. Out the window. Wish I could remember them because I am sure they were good! Isn’t that life though?! If you don’t stop. Drop. and DO right then its gone. The moment is over. And there is 17,000 other things to draw you in and consume your whole being. The only reason this one is getting on paper is because Waylon woke up this morning pre 6am (arrgggghhhh!) so begrudgingly I got up and by the time I made coffee, bottles, and hot sticky waffles (in the microwave- please!) he was actually back to sleep. I needed something to do for 30 minutes or so. Alone and quiet. So here I am. Lets see what unfolds from this sleepy brain shall we…
This past week we took communion at church. At my church we don’t do communion every Sunday so its such a special thing when it happens. I will be truthful, however, Sunday like most mornings was a busy one and by the time I had made it to church at 11am I had already run the bridge, grocery shopped for the week, had breakfast with my baby at starbucks which consisted of me chugging hot latte and him spitting muffin and chocolate milk at innocent citizens, changed 15 or so diapers and John was actually at home with a sleeping Waylon so I was flying solo… I had planned to “efficiently” do church. God loves that one! I was going to leave after the offering when we stood to sing… I would have heard the sermon and paid my dues. Done. Hahahhahahahahahahaahh (says the Big Guy)! Oh you’re so funny you silly “busy” girl laughs God. So when I sat down and saw that Sunday was world communion day my plan went awry. I sighed. Actually relieved to relinquish control over my said exit. I needed this. This full hour. To get out of my own way. To ask for and then actually accept forgiveness. To offer my own forgiveness out there to all those poor souls I am casting my own personal reflection of judgement on. To be re set in total love. For me the idea of forgiveness is so all encompassing. If I am not being forgiving of my own human nature how can I do the same to others? Communion always makes me cry. The blood and the body washing over… bringing on new life… 2nd (or 222nd) chances. It allows me a moment to accept and really love this unique and perfectly imperfect story and plan of my life. That one I try and re-write and shape to make it look really good for others… to make it less raw and more accepting of a conventional story… but thats so lame and so not me and crying in public at church is just so much more my gig anyway… ha! Bless. I feel like Waylon was my 2nd chance at this mama thing. I believe whole heartedly that I was a mother to Grace… but I never had the opportunity to parent her. To wipe blueberry muffin off her cheeks, wipe her tears, make her giggle, sing, or rock her to sleep. Our story on earth never got very far. It was fast and furious and changed so much in me. She made me a mother and Waylon has made me a parent. And I am so thankful for both. I never thought I would say that. But I know she came the way she did to change me and to change John. Thats all I know about that though. She has made me stronger and softer all in one. More fragile and more fierce. More real and raw. And I like it. I like being open and vulnerable. I like being a 2nd time Mom. I like being a 1st time parent. And I like being forgiven in all of it. Because I make mistakes. And I make things right. And its all love and its all good! And its all part of my story. All part of the plan. The one that broke me open not so long ago is now the one that wakes me up with sticky waffles, bed head, and open mouthed wet kisses. I truly say Amen to that… I will take it.

“Let us break bread together on our knees
Let us break bread together on our knees
When I fall on my knees, with my face to the rising sun
Oh Lord, have mercy on me.
Let us drink wine together on our knees
Let us drink wine together on our knees
When I fall on my knees, with my face to the rising sun
Oh Lord, have mercy on me.
Let us praise God together on our knees
Let us praise God together on out knees
When I fall on my knees, with my face to the rising sun
Oh Lord, have mercy on me.”

Dear Waylon… you don’t have a baby book…

But you do have your own hashtag on Instagram!  So there.. ha!  Tres’ Cool WayWay… tres’ cool!
In all seriousness though as I sit here right now and watch you sleep I think to myself, sweet Waylon, how many times I have wanted to stop time and write pages and pages of Daddy and I’s love story for you in some sort of a baby book … but as life will have it we are busy.. just like everyone else… running two businesses, trying to keep two old dogs alive, living large and traveling freely, and honestly kiddo… your mama isn’t that craftiest of birds out there.  I will probably not save your first tooth (is that even sanitary?!) and may not tape a lock of your hair to a book… but I do promise in that moment I will drink it all in!  Your mama is more of a ‘living for the moment’ kind of gal anyway.  I will take as many pictures as my iPhone will possibly capture (and a few on the big boy camera too per Daddy’s request) and laugh with you and suck your cheeks (and legs- who am I kidding) until you squeal with delight and one day (sadly) protest.  I promise to sing songs with you (your current fav is ‘Wheels on the bus’) and one day when you are big run around in huge circles with you until we fall down together laughing.  I will be present for all I can and even though I can’t stop time as long as my mind serves me well (and my iPhone is still snapping away) I will tell you stories of when you were little one day too.  You are our joy and the light that has filled so so so much darkness that once was in our hearts and our home.  Your laugh brings me to my knees with joy and your cry reminds me how little and innocent you still are.  You will never ever know how much your little life has filled me up… I don’t believe that- that love can be put onto enough pages.  So for now… we will live each moment fully and write your story- your baby book- together as we go- with a few pictures and blog posts on the way to remind us when we need to look back.  Love you to the moon and back, Mommy securedownload-1

Who am I BEING?

This morning I was determined to make it to church… our summer has been nuts and we have been gone Sunday after Sunday traveling the East and West coasts and finally had a Sunday back in our sweet little home.  Well as life will have it… Waylon slept later then usual (I think the 5am crying fest wore him out for a later sleep in- LORD!) and so we decided to snuggle back in to our down comforter with coffee in hand and do church in bed.  The three of us and my lap top… we streamed a sermon from our favorite minister at church and listened and smiled as our naked baby lay between us squirming around and kicking his feet (Thank you Jesus for that!).  The sermon we chose was all about the Holy Spirit and how it is the active need in all of us to find our connection with God… how God seeks us and gets inside us.  Really beautiful stuff.  The minister referenced the WWJD (what would Jesus do) fad that has kinda faded and said he was glad that was out because he thought it was more important to ask ‘Who Would Jesus Be?’ and then fashion your life around that reflection.  Whoa.  I needed that!   I have been going a gazillion miles an hour and have not slowed down to check IN for a long long time.  Thank ya very much!
For me there is nothing more powerful then to stop and ask… “who am I being right now?”.  Who am I being in this argument, Who am I being in this relationship, Who am I being to my students, Who I am being as a daughter, wife, mother, business owner, friend, child of God…you get it.  Its such a great way to take accountability for our own actions and not always point the finger ( I got a good finger for pointing tho!).  I find for me the word ‘would’ (as in what WOULD jesus do) comes with a lot of “should’s”.   And for me ‘should’s’ a guilt word.  A big hairy ugly in your face guilty word stamped with judgement!  I should have done this or that or not eaten that whole pizza, or drank that second bottle (haha!… humor is important friends!) , should have been better, faster, smarter, richer, kinder, prettier… etc.  But when I stop and ask myself about my actual ‘being’ it gives me a chance to reflect and observe, give thanks, make a shift, and be in action not reaction.  Not so much judge and associate any ugly emotion.  Just sit back, take a much needed breath, tap my pencil to my lip, and observe.  I like it.  I don’t like it.  Ok.  Switch it.  Shed what doesn’t serve anymore and move forward.  Thats all.  So that’s what I did.  I checked in.  I observed and I asked myself this morning on my way to yoga ‘who am I being’.  I found a lot of it worked and a few things were just not jiving with me anymore.  I have tendencies to pray for situations that offer or ask of my peace, patience, and opportunities to be more ‘Jesus like’ and I can honestly say that I have epic fails in these situations on the reg.  And I also found, this morning, that I was more forgiving of myself for those fails then ever before.  I am human!  At last I am accepting this… took almost 33 years.. but hey that’s ok!  So as a human I get frustrated with people and mainly myself, I think bad thoughts of myself and others, I RUSH like a psycho path thru life, I over indulge in many aspects that are supposed to balance me but many times leave me feeling spent and exhausted, I am quick to judge (again mainly myself)…. AND then just when all this piles up I realize I am quick to love, to forgive, to laugh my face off, and to survive really hard life lessons.  When we lost Grace I kept thinking did I pray for this?  Is that possible that this is some way to get me to be more peaceful and kind and obedient?!  Honestly who knows.  Because sitting here two plus years later; a second baby, a second business, a stronger marriage, I am an evolution of the person I have prayed for.   And it is slow to evolve let. me. tell. you!!  Some days I go backwards.  I get fed up and sick of being strong or nice or whatever!  And so I stomp my feet and take two steps back.  And other days… like today I look around and ask who am I being and see beauty and love in the imperfection and am ok with that.  I think the journey offers so much grace and love… if we can take a minute, be still, and ask ‘who am I being’ and move from there.   It doesn’t all have to come up roses for it to smell good or be beautiful.  So maybe the next time things are feeling a little rusty or you’re in a pickle ask yourself  ‘Who am I being?’ and see what ya get!

“mom guilt”

… or what I like to refer to as the 4:30am “scaries”.  Here is what it looks like (or did this morning.. hence the early bloggin’ coming from my noggin’… don’t judge its 5am, rhyming is cool, and you are sleeping!).

4:30am I hear slight rustling on the monitor… and so my day begins…

rational me: he is fine
mom guilt (MG): OR IS HE??!!!
me: No.. go back to sleep he is fine.  You have to work and be on point… sleep!
MG: But what if he’s not and you didn’t check because you were being lazy and just laying there.  And you work so he’s in daycare most of the day… really Sarah?!!  get up.
me: I get up and go look at the video monitor and HE is fine.  sleeping… cuddling a lovie.. and just overall being the cutest thing ever.
MG: ok… well I got 10 thousand other things for you to think about so go ahead and get up b/c we have a long day ahead of us…  remember you work.  He’s in daycare (this one never gets old)
me: (insert sad and tired face) Ok “mom guilt” you win.  You always win… roar.  I’m up.  Can I at least have my coffee?
MG: I guess…  you really need coffee to wake up?  why don’t you meditate
me: ok ‘mom guilt’ this is where I draw the line.  You definitely get Waylon.  The pups.  and even John too sometimes.  You don’t get my terrible mediation practice too!!!  I own that one.  So there.  (small victory)

Hahahahaha!  And so the day begins…  Now if you are still reading and don’t think I have totally jumped off the deep end I am assuming you can relate on some level.  I hear “mom guilt” grows with your kids.  Once they can start expressing words and telling you ‘no Mommy don’t go out or to work I will miss you’… then it really hits the fan!  So I guess this is just a warm up for the big show.  eeeeekkkk!  And I think MG is just an extension of all the other anxiety and guilt we carry as women (I speak to women mainly but as humans really!).. so kids or not… we all have it on some level.  As I was beating myself up terribly the other day for a poor mom decision my friend put it so perfectly and for the first time gave me liberation from this guilt.  She told me… “you are in transition and just figuring it out so let it go”.  Um.  wow.  love that word first off (vinyasa yoga teacher!) and yes.  Transition.  so so true.  Maya Angelou says, “I did then what I knew how to do.  Now that I know better, I do better”.  Isn’t that so perfect.  “NOW that I know better I do better”.  Because sitting in the guilt and the anxiety of it all doesn’t serve anyone .  Not me.  Waylon.  The pups.  Certainly not John.  ha!  So NOW I do better.  It doesn’t mean that the ‘mom guilt’ doesn’t get in my head 99% of the time.  It just means that I have acknowledged my new friend “hello… good morning MG!  hope you are good today because I aint got time for ya!”.  As my girl Glennon Melton says ” There is no room for shame or regret in my life.  I am to full.  I am to forgiven, too adored, too fully loved, too full of ideas and dreams and passion to waste my precious life pretending to be crippled by something that is imaginary”.   In closing I say to all my sisters (and brothers out there)… let your mom guilt shine…  say hello to it… get up drink coffee with it every once in a while… then give it the hand and move on!  We are all doing a great job!  We are in transition and just figuring it out… so go forth and be great.  You are loved… Mom guilt and all!
IMG_0925(These two!!!  OMGEEEEEE!!!  love.)

 

 

“Brutiful”… a book review… after 31 pages :)

My sister in law gave me a book a few weeks ago and told me I was going to love it.  Um… understatement of the year!  This book is so inspiring I have literally told everyone I know to stop what they are doing and go out and get it.  LIKE NOW!  Its called “Carry on Warrior; thoughts on life un armed” by Glennon Melton.  Glennon is a women of faith and she is raw, real, recovering, and ridiculously hilarious!  I am more inspired in the last 31 pages I have read then I have been in ages!  Her ministry is literally over sharing her life and as WE all know… I am ‘said’ over sharer.  When she decided to get clean and to write her father said to her; “Glennon, don’t you think there are some things you should take to your grave?… (and she replied) I thought hard for a momenta and said “No. I really don’t.  That sounds horrible to me.  I don’t want to take anything to the grave.  I want to die used up and emptied out.  I don’t want to carry around anything I don’t have to.  I want to travel light'”.  Um.  yeah.  Amen girl!  Amen.  I like that whole idea of traveling light myself.  She goes on to say that “(She) I was going to make people feel better about their insides by showing them mine.  By being my real self…. I’d found my thing: openness…  it was more fun to say things that made other women feel hopeful about themselves and God than it was to say or omit things to make people feel jealous of me.  And it was easier too.  Less to keep track of and monitor”.  Do you love this woman?!!  I mean really.  I always try to be open and vulnerable to make others feel part of what I’ve got going on… whether they want to or not.. ha!  But I have also spent years being a cause for looking good from the outside.  BORING!  So last year.  Let’s blow the lid of this whole ‘looking good’ thing and be there for each other.  Mother Teresa said: “If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”  Well.  Thank you Mother T.  I forget that a lot.  I am quick to judge.  Turn my nose up.  And run away to what feels safe.  And what feels safe sometimes looks a lot like hiding.  Hiding so that we aren’t ‘seen’ and that yet again… ‘we are looking good’.  But for who?  Seriously I do wonder. It’s not for God because he likes us best broken and all torn up.  Thats when we listen the best I think.  When I meet someone who is open and real I immediately want to surround myself with them because I see myself in that ‘realness’… that imperfection.  I bask in the light of their messiness because it makes my messiness seem so much cooler.  So much more ‘me’.   Because as we all know… really and truly.  We are all flawed. No one has it ALL together.  Not one person in this world is 100% confident all the time.  We need each other.  We need love.  We need acceptance.  We need humor.  I think Glennon say’s it best when she calls life “brutiful… brutal and beautiful”.   Anyway… thats my 30 second book review on my first 31 pages of the best book of my life!  Seriously I couldn’t text any more people about this book- I had to reach the masses.  STAY brutiful my friends.  And I will do the same~

You will!

Today as I was leaving the gym and vigorously looking through my purse for my keys this girl walked by with her three kids in tow and said “The dreaded key search huh”.. and I laughed and said “Yep!”.  It must be a woman thing… men don’t lose their keys in big bags filled with gum and lip gloss!  So that prompted me to clean her out… how grueling!  I feel like you can tell a lot about a women from the contents of her hand bag… and let me tell you I don’t carry a small clutch… this thing is huge!  So I got home and emptied out my purse and here is what was hiding my keys…. numerous receipts, 16 hair elastics (YES! 16… remember huge hair), a few stray dollar bills (score), gum, leg warmers (child of the 80’s she is!), gloves, lip gloss, a diaper, a crusty pacifier, empty bottle, a bib, 2 water bottles, 2 iPods, a beer cap (how’d that get in there?), a cd (random), a few pens, an apple (how old is that??!!), a bag of granola (don’t mind if I do), a tank top, 2 spoons, and last but not least about $27 in coins… ha!  So.  Yeah.  That clean out was very needed indeed.  Not only am I about $28.67 richer but I also felt very justified in a few of my findings.  How long did I wait to have that crusty pacifier, diapers, and bibs floating amongst the contents on my life?
I got a call from a friend this week that her good friend lost a pregnancy at 5 months- it would have been her first child.  She wanted my advice on what to say and what to do.  I told her to just tell her over and over that she will have another baby.  This will happen.  Give her hope.  No  matter what.. she will.  Because she wants it more then anything in the world.  That was all I wanted people to say to me after Grace.  This WILL happen.  Don’t you dare give her a ‘maybe’… this IS gonna happen girl!  Tell her.. One day your purse will be filled with empty bottles and crusty pacis and you will be digging in their for your keys and smile SO dang big to have hit the jack pot of this life.  You will appreciate it MORE.  Even when their is sleeplessness, tears, little baby fevers, and spit up in your hair.  You will drink it in.  And you will be the best mama in the world to your earth baby.  Because you have waited for this moment and you have lost so hard and the pain will turn into such utter joy and redemption.  Tell her you promise… you can just see it now and then hug her and let her cry.  I didn’t chose this to be my ministry.. this whole dead baby thing.  It kinda chose me.  But I tell you what I have had so many sad women sent my way since our lose and we all want to hear the same thing.  You will.  YOU will.  YOU WILL!!!!